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Girl Scout Shenanigans!

As a kid I was always excited when the Girl Scout cookies would show up at my house. I loved the small colored boxes with those delicious cookies inside…except those ones with coconut, they tasted like shit! I haven’t bought Girl Scout cookies in years and I want to tell you why! All kids groups… Indian Guides, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts all had some type of product to sell to the neighborhood to raise funds for to pay for activities throughout the year. As a Boy Scout myself we sold Christmas wreathes and garlands. The money was the most important thing but second was the lesson learned of working and going door to door to sell our product. Besides the Boy Scout stuff I did the same thing for Cystic Fibrosis and magazine sales in Middle School. I walked my neighborhood after school, usually the kids who sold the most got some kind of prize. The CF one was the best, I won a 12″ black & white TV one year and an Oddesey 2 game system the next for having raised the most money! In 1980 this was a huge deal considering kids then didn’t have TVs in their bedrooms let alone a video game system too!! Every spoiled brat has this kind of stuff  today, but back then it was unheard of.

Fast forward to 2111. A girl scout hasn’t showed up on my doorstep in about 15 years or so. I wish one would because I really like those cookies! The only kids who ever come door to door are kids from the inner city who sell gummi bears for 8 bucks a box. I buy them every time for the simple reason that they got off their asses and are at least trying to do something productive. The Girl Scouts in my neighborhood obviously don’t share the same work ethic as the dirty ghetto kids. The Girl Scouts have chosen a different and much lazier business plan. I walk into the supermarket or coffee shop and am immediately shanghaied by the parents of the Girl Scouts who sit at a strategically placed table right by the front door. The parents do the sales pitch as their spoon-fed kids sit around and chit chat and text with their friends. “Would you like to buy some cookies?” with a big prozac smile, I say “no thank you” but feeling like saying, “Get those lazy little bitches off their asses and make THEM go door to door and sell the fuckin’ cookies!!”

I have talked to others about this and have been told “it’s different times than when we were kids…there’s too many weirdos nowadays”…BULLSHIT! Even though it didn’t get the dramatic headlines like it does today there have always been creeps in this world and the odds of something happening to a child are as low as they were in the 1950’s. I would never minimize crimes against children but the whole “the boogieman is everywhere” mentality is wrong and very sad!! Shame on the parents who follow this way of thought, your kids are growing up to be lazy, entitled, and fearful of the wonderful world we live in.  Hopefully some brave Girl Scout will come to my door so we can order some fuckin’ cookies, but I doubt it!


Cup a joe…and a Jag-Off!

Ok, First off I have lived in  Cleveland Ohio for most of my life. Cleveland mirrors dozens of other midwest, rustbelt, broke butt towns across the country ie…Detroit, Gary IN, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Akron, Weirton WV… These cities and towns a century ago were the backbone of the nations innovation and manufacturing power machine…that was a century ago! What is left are crumbling buildings, crime, poverty, and stories of better days. We for the most part are the Grandchildren, great Grandchildren, and Great Great Grandchildren of those who busted their asses to live the American dream, innovate, and make a difference. The spirit of Midwest ingenuity is as dead as the steel mills and auto factories, it has been replaced by a disturbing trend of  taking semi creative ideas from other cities and hustling them in butt town belt!

One of these ideas which has recently irritated my cerebral hemorrhoid was brought to the masses by of course… reality TV. I don’t remember the shows name but it was basically some kind of competitive challenge between a half dozen lunch trucks. Lunch trucks have been around for decades. Usually operated by some fat slob who runs a daily route to factories and labor jobs. The truck would offer coffee, donuts, sandwiches, and other barely edible finger foods. Not the best stuff in the world but for the poor schmuck working in the freezing rain it did the trick. In the year 2010 someone had the idea “Hey, lets get a lunch truck, make expensive restaurant quality food and hustle it to other dipshits like ourselves”! GREAT! If it works, do it! LA, San Fransisco, Portland seem like the perfect place for this pretentious twist on peasant food. But just like all ideas that are born in the big cities it’s usually a year or two when a few folks with no good ideas of their own try to re hash what they saw on TV and make it work here in America’s butt towns. I just heard today about some lunch trucks making the rounds to Cleveland hot spots to sling their slop. I can imagine it without even seeing it…a few 20, maybe 30 something white hipsters who have sold their parents on the idea of  financing the truck. I can’t find fault with someone tryin’ to make a buck but I can’t stand the monkey see, monkey do America nowadays. What ever happened to people actually sitting down, brainstorming and coming up with a new fresh idea that suits the current midwest marketplace? Maybe this kind of stuff is the reason why places like Cleveland aren’t the cities they once were? People would rather bootleg an idea from a more progressive, higher educated, and wealthier market and make fools out of themselves trying to make it work in butt town! Some people will never learn. When you see a lunch truck with fancy vehicle wrap graphics stuck in a snow drift, slow down, roll down your window, extend the middle finger and say, “That truck was great idea…ya fuckin’ JAG-OFF!”

Curbside service

I woke up a little earlier than usual this morning and drove Mrs. La Beef to pick up a rental car for and out of town trip for work. A few block from my house is the local Middle School. This was the same location as the Middle School I attended when I was that age. My Middle School was built in the early 1900’s and had a more modern wing added probably in the early 70’s . The building was heated with a steam boiler and used radiators in all the rooms. If you touched the radiator you stood a pretty good chance of getting burned but we found it fun to piss on the  ones in the lavatories thus making the whole place stink like burning urine. There was no air conditioning but we survived. Since my days of middle school my old alma mater has been leveled and replaced with an enormous building that looks more like a prison than a school. I guess it has all the 21 century bells and whistles people deem important for child development, I think it’s a crock of shit and a total waste of public dollars…but what the fuck can I do about it? Let’s face it fancy schools don’t make smarter kids. Most of the kids in the 12-14 year old bracket don’t know how to do the simple tasks we handled at a much younger age ie. using a lawn mower, remembering phone numbers (without a cell phone),  or cooking their own food.  A scary nationwide trend of spoon-fed Mama’s lap children is looming!

Now that you know where I’m coming from I will get to my point of this morning’s drive. As we approached the school the traffic was in deadlock. From all directions mini-vans and luxury SUVs  were converging in an out of the school parking lot. Women looking bewildered as they talked on their Iphones waiting for their zoloft to kick in. I did see one “brave” kid walking. As I was fuming inside my stopped idle car I kept asking myself what ever happened to walking or riding a bike to school? My friends and I all found our own way to school and would be embarrassed as hell if we had Mommy drop us off. Some kids lived over 2 or 3 miles away. We always arrived a little early to shoot the shit at the bike racks. I remember some of the 8th grade kids having mopeds which we thought were about the coolest thing ever! I checked the BMV laws and kids can still get a moped license at age 14, but I haven’t seen a kid riding one in 2 decades? I can only figure that the brain dead soccer moms of the world have deemed them to “dangerous” and to let your kid ride one would be social suicide for the parents, always staying within the cookie cuter confines. We would hang at the bike rack and eat candy and trade things like dirty magazines, pocket knives, and ninja stars Some of us even would smoke cigarettes, and as long as it wasn’t in the building it went practically unnoticed. We were independent, we were latch key kids, we were learning to handle the real world, so what about the kids today? In my opinion their safe, mothering parental cocoon may as well be the coffin for their development into a independent, functioning adult. Hopefully trends will change but at least 1 generation seems to be doomed.

Check out this cool moped video! I bet that bitchin’ moped got Mike laid!! Mike obviously had good parents!

A New World of Beef!

This is a test to explore the features of this blog. I command you to check back often and do what I tell you. I will make you laugh, cry, and irritate you to the point of punching yourself in the balls…enjoy!